Saturday, April 4, 2015

Whorehound

You said 'hi',
and I put your potential for kindness on a pedestal.
Fantasies of hope
to fill up the hopeless.


Staring past you,
my heart is in a haze,
our future life is just a dream.


I never loved you,
I only loved the idea of you.
***
No rhyme poetry, yay! Because screw your rhyming schemes! I also wanted to write something to break up all the Hindsight on Hindsight posts I've been doing. Another one will be up sometime before Easter though. Second to last, oy.


Years back I was flipping through the channels and I happened across a movie. In the scene the actress says something along the lines of, "You don't love me, you only love the idea of me."


I never understood what that meant until now. It always confused me. If you love someone of course you love the idea of them, right?


I am glad that I have moved on in my life to the point where I am OK with dating and am able to do so. Outwardly and consciously I am wary still. I know that I am still somewhat vulnerable to people like my past exes. People that will only manipulate me. People that will run through me rather than with me. So I know the red flags and the warning signs of abusive and bad relationships and keep them at the fore front when dating and meeting people. Inwardly and unconsciously I am too eager. I want too much too soon. Sometimes I feel like my hormones are in hyper drive, I'm too much of a cutie chaser.


Outwardly I am a slightly morose Clementine, inwardly I am Joel.


I'm just realizing this, but at least I am aware of it...right?